One Year Ago

One year ago today I was packing up and cleaning my beloved home in Provo. To say I was an emotional wreck would be an understatement. I was beyond devastated and my heart felt like someone I loved had just died. I unconsciously dragged out the entire process, delaying the inevitable: the moment when I would have to get into the car, turn it to the east and drive 1100 miles away. At one point in the afternoon our good friend came to take our fish. I knew the fish wouldn’t survive the drive and they graciously offered to provide a home for our pets. When he took them it was just one more goodbye we didn’t want to make and we cried even though they were “just fish”. One year ago today was a horrible day.

One year ago I started over in a house I had never seen before, in a city I didn’t know. Sunday came and I dreaded it. Sunday was the day when we usually had gone to my parent’s house for a wonderful dinner and fun evening with my family and I was dreading a lonely evening in a house that still didn’t feel like home. Despite my heartache, homesickness and loss of direction, I knew the Lord was watching out for us. That first Sunday in our new ward the members rushed to greet us and I am sure nearly every person in the ward came up to welcome us. I was relieved to be in a place that seemed to want us. That afternoon the elder’s quorum president called and invited us to dinner and we eagerly accepted. We were blessed to spend the evening with 3 wonderful couples who have since become dear friends. That night was the beginning of healing.

The next Sunday I was called to be in the Young Women’s Presidency and another piece of my heart was healed. I was given a calling where I was able to be spend time with wonderful ladies while serving some amazing girls. Just knowing I had a job to do was a blessing.

Gradually we began to discover the joys and beauty of Kansas City. We found the huge Irish Festival, the incredible Renaissance Festival and the Nelson-Atkins with its free admission to view masterpieces by Van Gogh, Monet and others. We discovered Fall and the crisp autumn perfectness that results in tasty apple cider and gorgeous trees of orange and red.

Slowly we began to appreciate what self-reliance and independence really means, being too far away for my dad to fix anything. Alexander and I have also grown closer and more co-dependent than we previously had been (if that is even possible). Godiva has become more entrenched as a member of our family and I am convinced that she adds a whole new level of comfort that we desperately needed.
Alexander has found his niche and is performing better than expected in school. We have high hopes and expectations for the future and we know that he can accomplish anything he puts his mind to.

The miracles keep coming and our faith in the Lord is being tested and strengthened every day. One year from last year we have grown and stretched ourselves beyond what we thought we could. Our eyes are open to the daily miracles we receive and our hearts have found room to love Kansas City like we love our home in Provo.
One year down, the rest of our lives to go.

Why I Need Breakfast in the Morning

Today I started out the day in a great mood, however, now at the late hour of 9:00am, I am ornery.

To be very frank, I hate lazy idiots! Sadly, there is nearly an entire team of arrogant, idiotic salesmen in my company who don't know how to use their brains effectively. For instance, this morning I get an email from a sales rep who wants to know the venue information of an upcoming training. That information is on our website, but whatever, so I tell him the name. I get a response back asking for the address, phone and website of said venue. HELLO!?! Do you not have the internet? In the time it took him to write the response he could have Googled it and found it himself (which is what I had to do to find the info).

I was very close to asking him if I needed to send an IT guy down to fix his internet. Instead I restrained myself and said "Everything is online and very easy to find, however, here it is:" Hopefully he read between the lines and saw that HE IS AN IDIOT, but because he is an idiot, he probably didn't see anything wrong with what he did.

Ugh. As a warning to you all: if you have a really stupid question to ask me that you could easily find the answer to yourself, do not even think of wasting my time, especially before I've eaten breakfast.

Blue Tinted Glasses

Today I am sad. Maybe it's because my emotional well-being has been spliced together with the pain of my ankle. I'm not really sure. I would blame the pain meds, but I stopped taking them (my doctor is not pleased with this decision). I guess I just feel a bit like a loser.

I have always had a very high sense of self-worth. Usually this is a healthy thing, although I am sure that it has also allowed me to justify when I don't quite measure up on every scale. I have always felt like a very capable individual with lots of talent and potential. However, very rarely, I sometimes feel like a big failure, like all the potential I had was wasted and thrown out the window with the dishwater. This is how I am feeling today.

I started thinking about all the things I have succeeded at and then how I was able to screw each one up horrendously. Like, for example, today we had a salsa competition at work. Not really a big deal, more like a game than anything. However, I really needed a win in my court. I tried to create something unique, something that my co-workers wouldn't be able to deny voting for. The result was strawberry salsa and it wasn't half bad. People even seemed to like it. However, the same guy that won last year won again this year. Typical. Not a big deal, and yet...

I used to be a co-host on a game themed podcast. I loved it! I was awesome and funny and the listeners liked me. And then I got in a rather serious disagreement with the director. I was hurt, offended, and belittled. I couldn't think of ever returning to do the show with him, so I quit. That was a month ago. Today all I can think about is how much I loved what I did and how fun it was. I miss it. Missing things makes me cry.

A couple of weeks ago I attended a luncheon at a conference my work was holding for master trainers. I couldn't help but notice the conference planner scurrying around, making sure everything was ready and perfect. I used to be the one planning conferences and scurrying around. I also left that job of my own volition. Granted, I had a good reason, but I was reminded by how much I truly enjoyed being in charge of everything for a "live event". My current job has me still planning events, but they are nation-wide trainings and I never get to be on-site. So I miss being a conference planner too.

Today I am even sad for things I have never had as an adult like a backyard, children, a puppy, a pussy-willow kitten face kitten, and a master's degree.

I hope you understand that this is not my usual state of being, that I am not always down and depressed. However, writing is cathartic for me and so it seems that when my emotions differ from my usual sunshine outlook I need to write them down. Because this blog is my space to do that you may see more of the sadness than the sunshine.

Tomorrow I will probably be back to "normal" and the foolish tears will be gone but for now I am sad and I guess that's okay.

Current Emotions

No matter how old I get, it's always hard for me to endure the disappointment that comes from expecting and wanting something so badly, only to find that no matter what you do, you can't have it. Even as an adult, this is difficult. Or maybe, ESPECIALLY as an adult, because I fully recognize the sort of dwindling hope I still have and consequently I have to consciously buoy it up in order to save myself from total despair.

This is made even more unbearable by the realization that what I want is something so many other people have. Something that can be easy to obtain for others, but is seemingly impossible for me.

I feel very vulnerable and inadequate. As I am a firm believer in God and the role he plays in my life, I have to believe that there is a reason for my requests to be denied or postponed. However, I don't know the reason and I feel instead unworthy, not good enough to receive my heart-felt desires. Faith argues to be strong, to wait it out. The natural man inside of me struggles, fighting with logic and asking how long I should wait and why no one has explained it to me.

In a few minutes I will put my smile back on and pretend I have no worries, no sorrows, and no lingering self-doubts, because I have to. I have to keep going, to endure it well.

**Note: This post is not intended to evoke pity or sorrow from the reader, rather it is a self-exploration of emotion. To understand myself better and thus continue to carry on as I have for so long now.

Just One of Those Blah Days

Lately I've been just a little bit bummed. I feel like I don't really fit in anywhere outside of my home. There are all these little groups around me and I am by myself. I'll give you a few examples:

In my ward: I am one of maybe 5 women in the ward (and that includes the very newly married) who doesn't have children and is not pregnant. Plus, most women don't work, so they find it inconvenient when I tell them I can't help cause I work full time. They have their little click-ish play groups and spend all day talking and eating homemade cookies while they watch their kids play.

In my family: My sister is getting married in November. All the girls (except me) are bridesmaids and my brothers are groomsmen and they are all wearing matchy matchy outfits. I was told it didn't matter what I wore, and by that I take it to mean it doesn't matter if I am even there. I understand that married women are not bridesmaids, but I still feel incredibly left out.

My friends: Okay, first of all, I don't see my friends very often but when I do the talk is all about babies and kids etc. Which is fine, I love babies and kids, I just don't have any of my own to proudly display and discuss.

At work: I just feel awkward. I feel like people don't get my jokes or my personality and my comments are not funny and fall flat. I also feel like my opinions don't matter and that I don't have enough experience to be taken seriously.


I don't know, maybe it's just been a blah day and the craziness of this week is wearing me down. I may be overreacting, but I don't feel like I am.