Current Emotions

No matter how old I get, it's always hard for me to endure the disappointment that comes from expecting and wanting something so badly, only to find that no matter what you do, you can't have it. Even as an adult, this is difficult. Or maybe, ESPECIALLY as an adult, because I fully recognize the sort of dwindling hope I still have and consequently I have to consciously buoy it up in order to save myself from total despair.

This is made even more unbearable by the realization that what I want is something so many other people have. Something that can be easy to obtain for others, but is seemingly impossible for me.

I feel very vulnerable and inadequate. As I am a firm believer in God and the role he plays in my life, I have to believe that there is a reason for my requests to be denied or postponed. However, I don't know the reason and I feel instead unworthy, not good enough to receive my heart-felt desires. Faith argues to be strong, to wait it out. The natural man inside of me struggles, fighting with logic and asking how long I should wait and why no one has explained it to me.

In a few minutes I will put my smile back on and pretend I have no worries, no sorrows, and no lingering self-doubts, because I have to. I have to keep going, to endure it well.

**Note: This post is not intended to evoke pity or sorrow from the reader, rather it is a self-exploration of emotion. To understand myself better and thus continue to carry on as I have for so long now.