Current Emotions

No matter how old I get, it's always hard for me to endure the disappointment that comes from expecting and wanting something so badly, only to find that no matter what you do, you can't have it. Even as an adult, this is difficult. Or maybe, ESPECIALLY as an adult, because I fully recognize the sort of dwindling hope I still have and consequently I have to consciously buoy it up in order to save myself from total despair.

This is made even more unbearable by the realization that what I want is something so many other people have. Something that can be easy to obtain for others, but is seemingly impossible for me.

I feel very vulnerable and inadequate. As I am a firm believer in God and the role he plays in my life, I have to believe that there is a reason for my requests to be denied or postponed. However, I don't know the reason and I feel instead unworthy, not good enough to receive my heart-felt desires. Faith argues to be strong, to wait it out. The natural man inside of me struggles, fighting with logic and asking how long I should wait and why no one has explained it to me.

In a few minutes I will put my smile back on and pretend I have no worries, no sorrows, and no lingering self-doubts, because I have to. I have to keep going, to endure it well.

**Note: This post is not intended to evoke pity or sorrow from the reader, rather it is a self-exploration of emotion. To understand myself better and thus continue to carry on as I have for so long now.

Today's Self Awareness Moment

Do you ever find that there are things that you need to do that you absolutely dread and then when you finally get around to doing that horrible thing, you realize how much you love it?

Weird, huh? So what was all the fuss about? I think it has something to do with the lies that we tell ourselves. You know, those little things that you convince yourself are true but deep down you know they aren't?

This weekend was very progressive for me because I had two separate self realization moments about things I was dreading but turned out that I really enjoyed. Once I realized the truth I was able to inspect why I had been telling myself the lies. It appears that they were lies of convenience, it is just easier to believe the lies than to face the truth. Sound familiar to anyone else? Now that I have the awareness of the lies, I can obliterate them from my mind. It won't be automatic, they are ingrained in my mind and my habits. However, very few things are actually impossible, so there is a good chance that I will succeed.

I wonder what other lies I am telling myself?