Blue Tinted Glasses

Today I am sad. Maybe it's because my emotional well-being has been spliced together with the pain of my ankle. I'm not really sure. I would blame the pain meds, but I stopped taking them (my doctor is not pleased with this decision). I guess I just feel a bit like a loser.

I have always had a very high sense of self-worth. Usually this is a healthy thing, although I am sure that it has also allowed me to justify when I don't quite measure up on every scale. I have always felt like a very capable individual with lots of talent and potential. However, very rarely, I sometimes feel like a big failure, like all the potential I had was wasted and thrown out the window with the dishwater. This is how I am feeling today.

I started thinking about all the things I have succeeded at and then how I was able to screw each one up horrendously. Like, for example, today we had a salsa competition at work. Not really a big deal, more like a game than anything. However, I really needed a win in my court. I tried to create something unique, something that my co-workers wouldn't be able to deny voting for. The result was strawberry salsa and it wasn't half bad. People even seemed to like it. However, the same guy that won last year won again this year. Typical. Not a big deal, and yet...

I used to be a co-host on a game themed podcast. I loved it! I was awesome and funny and the listeners liked me. And then I got in a rather serious disagreement with the director. I was hurt, offended, and belittled. I couldn't think of ever returning to do the show with him, so I quit. That was a month ago. Today all I can think about is how much I loved what I did and how fun it was. I miss it. Missing things makes me cry.

A couple of weeks ago I attended a luncheon at a conference my work was holding for master trainers. I couldn't help but notice the conference planner scurrying around, making sure everything was ready and perfect. I used to be the one planning conferences and scurrying around. I also left that job of my own volition. Granted, I had a good reason, but I was reminded by how much I truly enjoyed being in charge of everything for a "live event". My current job has me still planning events, but they are nation-wide trainings and I never get to be on-site. So I miss being a conference planner too.

Today I am even sad for things I have never had as an adult like a backyard, children, a puppy, a pussy-willow kitten face kitten, and a master's degree.

I hope you understand that this is not my usual state of being, that I am not always down and depressed. However, writing is cathartic for me and so it seems that when my emotions differ from my usual sunshine outlook I need to write them down. Because this blog is my space to do that you may see more of the sadness than the sunshine.

Tomorrow I will probably be back to "normal" and the foolish tears will be gone but for now I am sad and I guess that's okay.