Mother's Day Emotions

It has been a really long time since I've posted! Life is so busy and so crazy that sometimes I feel like I don't have the time I need to really process all the wonderful things that are happening every day. And wonderful things are happening, though often the stressful, hard things overshadow the good.

WARNING: What follows is a subject that I rarely talk about in public and I'm still not sure I want to post this...

This weekend is Mother's Day. I truly love Mother's Day because I feel that I personally have the best mother in the entire world. She is my best friend and my biggest supporter and I know that her prayers and thoughts are with me everywhere I go. She is the best example of selfless service and constant love and the homesickness I sometimes feel has a lot to do with her presence in that home. In my mind, Mother's Day is a time to celebrate MY mom and how wonderful I think she is. I love excuses to sing her praises! :)

However, sometimes Mother's Day is a reminder of what I am not. I am not a mother in the most literal sense and there is no bigger reminder of that than Mother's Day. I would like to say that I'm always happy and content and that I don't have anything tearing at my heartstrings, however, it's not always true. Honestly, most of the time I'm really good. Really, like 95% of the time. But sometimes I'm not. I've been thinking a lot about it lately and my thoughts trailed back to a "what might have been moment" that would have led to 2014 being my first official Mother's Day as a mother.

This past fall we finally finished all the paperwork to get our homestudy completed and be certified to adopt. Our profile is listed on LDS Family Services and we are hopeful that if we remain faithful we will be blessed to find the child who belongs in our home. Several months ago we had a really upsetting occurrence where we were about 80% certain we would be bringing home a 12 month old little girl. She had blue eyes, blond hair and her name is the same as the top name on our "list" (you know, the one with all the baby names you like).

We felt that this sweet girl would fit perfectly into our family and was meant for us. She had come from a foster home where she wasn't given the love or attention she deserved and we ached to provide a happy, loving home for her. We even had the mother's attorney on our side and really thought we had it in the bag. However, we learned a very real lesson about each person's individual agency. I have no doubt that we could have provided a wonderful home with the gospel and an abundance of love for this precious child. However, her mother still had her agency and in the end it came down to her personal choice.  For the record, she chose a single, lesbian woman because "she had horses". I was infuriated, frustrated and really hurt. It took me a little bit of time to get over this particular incident.

In addition to a new understanding of the terms 'agency' and 'meant to be', I learned a lot about myself and my relationship with my husband as well as my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Alexander and I pleaded in prayer several nights for this little girl to come home to the little bedroom waiting for her here. I learned that you can grieve for things you never had and that it still hurts. I've never experienced a miscarriage, but I imagine it may be a similar feeling. For several weeks you get excited, prepared and adjusted to the idea of parenthood. You already love the little being coming to your family and then suddenly they are gone and there is nothing you can do about it and you feel sick and empty inside. At least, that's how I felt. I felt like it was a pretty cruel joke to play on someone who has been waiting 7 years for a child.

I know that most couples who are trying to adopt will have similar (and often harder) stories than ours and that our trials are not unique to us. However, it is sometimes hard when you think she could have been here, in the little yellow bedroom with white flowery curtains, and that this year I could have deserved the card my sweet husband has always given me on Mother's Day regardless of my childless status.

Through it all, I have found that the Lord did not withhold his comforting presence from us and we were blessed in several aspects of our lives. He has promised us a family and I know he will fulfill that promise and that knowledge gives me hope. In the meantime, please know that we are not wallowing in self-pity or depression. We are living up every single moment of our lives. We take full advantage of not needing a babysitter to go out late at night, staying up super late and sleeping in even later, and going on spontaneous adventures to places that are not child-friendly. I have been able to open my wedding business again and work on a life goal of getting my Masters degree (halfway there!!!). Don't worry parents of colicky babies, we really do appreciate our sleep and sanity, but I guess we know that when the time comes, the joy of adding children to this family will be worth the lifetime of sacrifice and effort that follows.

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mothers out there. A special call-out to my own mom as well as to my sisters and sister-in-laws and my amazing friends, all of which have set wonderful examples for me to follow, please know that your efforts are not going unnoticed and are not in vain. I love and appreciate you all as well as the beautiful children you are raising. Thanks for letting me be that "fun aunt" who gives your children too much sugar and lets them play on my technology. :)