Bridal Etiquette: Chapter 1

The day dawned with a glorious light, deceiving me into thinking it would be a marvelous day. I awoke early, anxious to finish my big task of sewing table runners. The morning sun peeked through my living room curtains and the machine stitched away as I watched a revival of Saturday morning cartoons eerily familiar to those I watched 20 years ago. Strawberry Shortcake and Transformers graced the TV bringing back forgotten memories of childhood.

The revelry collapsed with the last stitch and reality crashed back as I rushed to accomplish everything I had to do. The next hour was comprised of running up and down the stairs to and from the basement to make sure everything was remembered, put in a box and checked off the clever inventory list I had created the day before. With the last wire and lantern in place we continued with our duties. Running to K-mart in desperation, I found the perfect black button-up shirts for all three of my employees (the boys) and ran to finish loading the trailer.

By 1:00 we were on the road to Salt Lake City, ready to conquer another wedding. However, the traffic was against us and we didn't arrive until nearly 3:00. My poor boys carried 8 heavy pillars up two flights of stairs. Luckily, the other things fit in the elevator. We rushed to put up two backdrops, hang lanterns, put on chair covers and ties and set up the chocolate fountains.

At 6:00 the reception was set to begin. As I was adjusting the chocolate fountains, I glanced over at the main floor, only to see a member of the bridal party attempting to move the backdrop back a foot. I recoiled in horror as my carefully crafted waves of fabric and yellow drape were pulled apart, leaving the pillars stripped, like bare bones. Running across the room, my frustration evident on my face, I approached the bride.

"What is going on?!"
"My dance floor isn't big enough. I need a bigger dance floor"
"Couldn't you have moved the tables back?" To this I received a blank stare. "Well, it's broken now, I have to fix it."
"Well, I didn't like where it was, so I had to move it....." She continued on her selfish mumbling as she sauntered towards a bridesmaid who would probably assure her that moving the backdrop one foot back was the right thing to do.

Tears stung my eyes as I grabbed my duct tape, the only tool available to me, and began my attempt to hurriedly fix the sad disaster. Behind me I could hear the bride exclaiming that her reception was supposed to start 10 minutes ago. Thoughts of frustration and hurt whirled through my eyes threatened to spill down my cheeks in the form of tears. I swallowed the lump in my throat and kept working. When it looked mostly decent, I ran back to the fountains to ensure they were running correctly.

And now to the bright spot of the evening: the chocolate fountains ran perfectly. Even when they were low on chocolate, the rivers ran evenly down the sides in a lovely cascade of brown satin. The only thing missing was the other food. I had not been contracted to do any of the dipping food. I looked around for one of the surplus bridesmaids and inquired as to who was in charge of the other food.

"Oh, uh...I don't think anyone is. We just thought, that, it would...kinda happen..."
Kinda happen? Really? It was immediately evident that they had expected me to do all the food. The bridesmaids huddled and realized that they were the only ones who would do it, so they scuttled off to the kitchen where Alexander was melting chocolate.

Please imagine your most typical valley girl voice direct at my patient husband: "Aren't you the caterer? Why aren't you working? None of this food is done!"

"Actually, I'm a decorator and I'm melting chocolate. We were not contracted to do any of the other food besides the fountains."

Finally, the food was brought up on platters by girls with scowls on their faces. Such lovely girls. We soon realized that they didn't have anyone clearing tables either, which flabbergasted me. It wasn't my job, but I decided to help, so I cleared off the tables and attempted to make the situation better.

When it came time to dance, no one but the bride was interested, so she kept going up to the DJ and telling him to announce different dances that would make people dance. "And now, for the dance of the bridesmaids and the groomsmen to dance together..... And now for the dance for the bridal party that everyone must dance...." etc. It was sort of hilarious. I could have promised her that no one would dance, but some brides insist on everything being exactly the way they imagine it.

I have decided that I really must write a book about bridal etiquette spiced up with excerpts of my exciting job. Does anyone else have any funny stories about wedding etiquette gone wrong?